Valentin Seleznyov


I recreated a scene from Batman Begins today.

In the build-up to Halloween the local bakery sells bat-shaped gingerbread biscuits. I don’t like gingerbread, but bought a couple anyway as i am currently playing Arkham Asylum and trying to master the last few challenges on the PS3 version before Arkham Origins comes out, and i thought they might inspire me. 

So as i was playing, i was also fondling one like Bruce Wayne did with his batarang when my girlfriend came home and asked what i was doing, and why i was eating a biscuit i didn’t like.

I told her ‘because ginger frightens me, and it’s time my enemies shared my bread’ then threw it at the wall.

Unfortunately she didn’t have any idea what i was talking about and just told me to clear it up… but i enjoyed it.


GTA Online. The adventures of Sir Percy.

When you stick up a store you are encouraged to shout at the poor clerk behind the cash register. Doing so apparently makes him prepare the money a little faster, but as you can probably imagine, the majority of the people who bother with this are little kids who just shout rather dull obscenities.  

When i got to this part of the game i decided that i would take part - only i would roleplay as a 1940s-era English gentleman, as opposed to the 21st century English gentleman i am. 

'I am dreadfully sorry to be a bother, my good man, but if you do not place all of your money into this plastic carrier bag with the utmost haste i shall be for forced to smash your head in with this policeman's truncheon. Which i retrieved from the cadaver of a bobby who stuck his nose where it was not wanted.' 

Unfortunately by this time, the Old Bill had actually turned up. Even more unfortunately, i didn’t have any ammo, so the nightstick i pinched from the rozza was actually my only means of defending myself. So i hit the two policemen with it.  

'You get a wallop. And you get a wallop.' and then a poor passer-by. 'EVERYBODY GETS A WALLOP.' Then got into my automobile and sped down the highway, where a short time later i had a head-on collision with another player. His car was totalled and he was killed, but i was fine because i had purchased an armour upgrade. This seemed to offend him and he went apesh*t at me. 

'My apologies, sir, but i am from Britain you see? I am still adjusting to driving on the right side of the road.' and then i explained that you can insure your cars, and that all he had to do was give the insurance company a ring and he would get a brand new one. But he didn't have insurance.  

'No insurance? That must mean you nicked it! A marauding renegade such as yourself really is in no position to speak to such an esteemed and mostly law-abiding subject like me, Sir Percy, in such a tone.' At this point he threatened to kill me. 'I suggest you think long and hard before starting a row with me, dear boy. Or else i shall have to get the chaps on the horn, and you shall be in for the thrashing of a lifetime.' 

You can probably guess that i don’t actually have any chaps on who to call, unlike he, who really did sic his crew on me. I had to ditch my beautiful navy blue Banshee for a lorry, for the additional protection. Which proved a good decision when i was able to push a car containing three of my pursuers into the canals near the beach area. Of course i had to quip ‘you fellows need to cool off’. 

It wasn’t long though, before the lorry was no longer functional and i had to make my escape on foot, which is rather difficult. Fortune smiled upon me though, as i was disconnected, presumably as a result of the shaky servers. 

As i was taken back to the single-player campaign, i couldn’t help but think ‘you lead a charmed life, Sir Percy’ and look forward to the antics he would get up to next time. 

I want to make a crew that consists entirely of players of different nationalities, roleplaying as national stereotypes. It is empowering, to take the things uncultured people use to make fun of you and use them as a weapon yourself. You get to take the cool things, like the accent, manner of speech and ingenious methods of staving off scurvy, and ignore the dumb things like bad cuisine and teeth.



For England, Alec.

Last week i was at the game store and noticed they were selling pre-owned PS3 games under a ‘buy 2 get 1 free’ promotion, so i snapped up inFAMOUS 2, Uncharted 3 and GoldenEye: Reloaded, which i thought i could finish the last little bit of this morning before heading out. 

I’m sure most of you are familiar with the GoldenEye story. The difference in the update is that Alec Trevelyan is motivated by a hatred of the bankers instead of his parents being Lienz cossacks and some of the locations are different. Instead of taking place in Cuba the finale is set at a clean energy facility in Nigeria, which is where i was at. 

During the ‘cradle’ level there is a part where you need to traverse a series of collapsing catwalks, all while infinitely spawning enemies shoot at you from all sides. Cover is limited and your health doesn’t regenerate while sprinting… and you only have 90 seconds to reach the end. There is no method; you just have to get lucky. 

I wasn’t getting lucky. Ten times i tried and ten times i failed, and what’s more is that i was totally ignoring the bowl of Frosties i had prepared as my breakfast. They were going soggy, and it was all 006’s fault. Bastard traitor. Why couldn’t he just join Occupy Wallstreet or something.

By the 15th attempt i was out of my seat. Partially because i was too annoyed to sit, but the red light on the controller was flashing, signalling that it needed a charge, so i plugged it in (the PS3 charger cables are quite short). I had now been trying this for about half an hour, and hadn’t very long until i absolutely positively needed to be out the front door, and after a few more failed attempts i’d had enough. I softly threw the controller backwards, so that it would land on the sofa.

Only it didn’t land on the sofa. It was still plugged into the charger cable which tethered it to the console. Instead of gliding gracefully to the safety of the chair, the wire snapped it back, and it took a nose dive right into the barely-eaten bowl of cereal. Milk went everywhere.

You play 007 games to feel like James Bond, but i ended up feeling like Steve Carrel in Get Smart, which is only marginally better than feeling like Johnny English.



Metro: Last Light. The greatest story-driven FPS ever created, has a fittingly brilliant closing credits track.

It’s up there with Deadman’s Gun from Red Dead Redemption, M4 part II from Mass Effect, and Till All Are One from Transformers: Fall of Cybertron.


I just need to host this so i can post it to a forum i frequent.
Some cretin was discovered to have lied about a lunch date with Joe Perry, so my own tall tale is that i formed a superband with Derek Grant and Brody Dalle.
We’re undecided on the name. I think we should be called Valentin and the Seleznyobots, but she insists that we should be Brody and the Baby Dalles. The drummer thinks Derek and the Grant Fund Managers.

I just need to host this so i can post it to a forum i frequent.

Some cretin was discovered to have lied about a lunch date with Joe Perry, so my own tall tale is that i formed a superband with Derek Grant and Brody Dalle.

We’re undecided on the name. I think we should be called Valentin and the Seleznyobots, but she insists that we should be Brody and the Baby Dalles. The drummer thinks Derek and the Grant Fund Managers.


A sad day for English people everywhere.

Something truly heartbreaking happened today. 

I went into town to pick up the new Tomb Raider game, when i was accosted by a Red Cross worker on the high street. I was about to do my usual thing when confronted by these people - to tell them that i already set up a standing order with their colleague on the other side of the street - but the guy had already started making his pitch. 

He used a Lord of the Rings theme, which i found interesting, so i let him speak. And when you let them speak it is incredibly difficult to get away, so i ended up committing to giving £20 a month to the Red Cross.

When you do this, you are given a little pack which includes some seeds, a fridge magnet, a teabag and a booklet detailing how your money will help.

I was flicking through the booklet and came to a piece about children in South America, living in abject poverty, when i turned the page and saw this.


Best before November 2012? My heart began racing. ‘Maybe it’s the seeds? Dear god please let it be the seeds!” i thought. But it wasn’t the seeds.


So i, an Englishman, have just had to throw out some tea. Inconsolable doesn’t even begin to cover it. 

Oh, and i hear the Iron Lady kicked the bucket. Uh, how sad.


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